Life is a journey, a journey of faith.
For me, it has been first, an acknowledgement of a higher being, God, and then, an ongoing study of who He is, what He wants me to be, and how to attain a loving relationship with Him. My journey started when I was conceived. God formed me in His likeness, and loved me. My parents, then, believed in the importance of Baptism, and had me blessed with sacramental graces, and wiped clean of original sin as I began my formation in the Catholic faith. When I was seven, I received the Sacrament of Holy Communion. I felt so pretty, dressed all in white-white veil, white fancy dress, white shoes and socks. I processed into church with my whole class, boys and girls alike in white. I don't think I really understood the meaning of receiving the body and blood of Christ that day, but I knew in my heart, it was something very special, and I wanted to be a part of it. There was a reverence for going up to the altar rail, kneeling down, and opening your mouth to receive the host changed to Christ's body, and drinking the wine, changed to Christ's blood. I still to this day, feel in awe of receiving the Holy Eucharist, and desire to do it as often as I can. I also made my First Confession, now called Reconciliation. I liked the fact that you could go into a darkened confessional, say what you did wrong, and nobody knew it was you, so I thought. God knew!
I started Catholic school in the third grade, and continued til the eighth grade. In the fourth grade, I made my Confirmation. I received the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit. I believe my faith was a gift, given to me by God, and He expected me to carry on in that faith my whole life. It has always been important to me, a sinner, to try to follow the doctrines of my faith, even when I doubted some of the Church's teachings on birth control. More about that later.
When I was 21, I received the Sacrament of Matrimony. "Through sickness, and health, through good times and bad, I committed myself to this man I chose as my husband. I found out how challenging life can be, but I never gave up, and gave in to dispair when things got rough. I guess you could say, I got tough. But I didn't do this alone. I knew I had to rely on God and my faith to get through the bad times...difficult relationships, accidents, sickness, death of loved ones, and He made me stronger. By the time I had my third child, though, I wanted to have a break from pregnancy. I talked to a priest about what I could do to prevent another pregnancy, and he said to pray...ask God to help me. Well, I thought, that wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, but I did pray to God, half-heartedly, now that I think back about it. I didn't really trust God with this matter. Sure enough, I got pregnant soon after. I cried, and cried, felt betrayed by God..didn't He hear my prayers? This isn't what I wanted now! But I know realize it never is about what I want, or feel, or desire, it's what God wants and plans for me and all of us. What seemed devastating at the time, turned out of be a wonderful delightful child, who grew into a glowing, happy woman who I love dearly.
But, at the time, I decided to take birth control matters into my own hands. In the early seventies, there was a movement in the Church, that started to question Church teachings. I was part of a Church group, called "Genesis", which met in each others' homes, and explored our feelings about ourselves, and our faith. From those sessions, I came out of that, that it was OK to not always follow the Church's laws, as long as we followed the doctrines, and decrees of our faith. So I convinced myself that it was alright to use some form of birth control. It was my body, my life,my,my, my. Where did I fit God in my plans? Did God want this?
I used a diaphram to block the sperm. That should be OK. I objected to the pill, as it caused a chemical change in my body. I now know it can actually cause a chemical abortion to a fertilized egg. I joked to others, how God took pity on me, and didn't give me another child for five years, but it was me blocking any chance of another pregnancy. But God got the last laugh, when He decided to show me who really was in charge, though I didn't get it at the tme, by blessing me with another child, my fifth girl. She came at a time when we needed a renewal of our marital relationship My husband got to follow me into the labor room this time, but still couldn't be in the delivery room. He became more involved in her care as a baby. We rejoiced in her, and love her spunk, and spirit as a woman's/child's advocate.
Still, I went back to using the diaphram for five more years. Then, by the grace of God, he blessed us with a son. This time, my husband was with me throughout the whole labor and delivery process. In my mistaken ignorance of not following the Church I professed to believe in, I decided that he would be my last one. Physically, I was exhausted in carrying this child. I didn't want to be pregnant in my forties. Again, the selfishness, instead of the trust. So I had a tubal ligation. Maybe I deprived my son of a brother? Who knows. I realize all life is precious.
God in his mercy has forgiven me. More on my faith in the next blog.
